The Worst Pokémon Fan Fiction Ever
by Mattias
Summary: Inside is a collection of intentionally written poor quality fan fiction, along with other fan fiction which contains twisted, zany events! Don't believe me? Check it out for yourselves!
1. Greatest luv by teem rock it

Hey guys, your beloved Susato speaking. Sometimes I get bored and I feel like doing something crazy. So, once in a while I would post stories of intentional bruteness at a message board I regularly attend. However, I didn't get a chance to save any of them, and this was the most recent I've written. If you all desire, I could write more, but only of course if I get an effecient number of replies...  
  
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the greatest love evr buy teem rock it  
  
i h8 teem rock it jessie sed 1 day. i want 2 quit i h8 it so muhch. no dont leev sed jams. u r 2 imprtnt to stay. no jessie sed, i h8 u i h8 teem rock it & i h8 meeyowth. hey dont insult mee meeyowth scratchd jessie acrosss the face. owwwwwwww i h8 u % i hop u dee! she rund awyr criing. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111  
  
nw loke what u did u stupd jessie h8s us all becuz of u. i nevr thawt ths wey be4 & i alwyz thawt tht she wuz a brt, but i releyes i luv her no. jams rund aftr jessie and sed i luv uuuuuuuu!11111111111111111111111111 i wnt u bak cuz i luv u & ill nevr sey thoz thongz agn. i luv u 2 jessie sed and the 2 kissd.  
  
THE ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 lol best story evr....  
  
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That wasn't too bad, was it? Hope you didn't have a hard time reading it...would you guys believe that took me almost 10 minutes to type? Yeesh... 


	2. ash becomes the greatest pokamon master ...

Well, looky here, another chapter of "The Worst Fan Fiction Ever." What's going to happen this time? Watch...or read!  
  
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ash becomes the greatest pokamon master ever and captures a mew2  
  
  
ash was on the road to the next pokeman gime but on the way he sawed mew2. "omg!" ash said. "i have to capture it!" he picks up a pokaball and throwed it at the mew2, captruing it inside. it movd for a while, but then finally sopped. "yes! i did it! i am the bestest pokerman master ever!"  
  
misty appeared and spoke to ash. "omg ash u actually did something rite. im proud of u!" "Yea." brock said. "i nevr knew u could capture a mew2! good job!"  
  
"thanks!" ash said. "now im gonna be the bestest pokamen master evr!"  
  
he beet trainer after trainer, nevr losing becuz of the mew2 that he captured, and now he was up agasnt gary for the pokermon master title. "im gonna beet u gary." said ash. "no ur not." said gary. "go nidoking!" "go mew2!" "oh no u have a mew2?" "thats right, and now i will win!" mew2 beet nidokink with one hit. "haha! i beet u! i am the pokamon master now!" "omg i cant beleive i lost i wil giv the pokerman title to u." "thanks!"  
  
so ash became the bestest pokemun master evr and married misty and they had three kids and they grew up and became pokyuymon mastrs 2 and the ketchum family wuz the bestest pokerman family leaders evr!  
  
THE END!!!111111111111111111  
  
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Wow...that fic really sucked. 


	3. i love misty

Yet another chapter of "The Worst Fan Fiction Ever". And for those who like to read my other fics, =P at least I wrote something.  
  
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i love misty  
  
"i cant tell her how i feel cuz shell hate me forever." said ash. "itll ruin are frendship cuz if i say that i love her then shell laff at me and ask for her bike bak."  
  
"i cant tell ash how i feel." said misty. "or hell hate me 4evr and then hell nevr give me my bike bak! i hafta get my bike bak now!"  
  
"u know u love each other." said brock. "i heard u both takking."  
  
"u what?" ash yelled.  
  
"how coud u???????//////" misty yelled bak. "i hate u and i hate ash 4 listning 2 my conversashuns! i hate u all and i hope u die!" she runned away into the forest and she cryed lowder and lowder.  
  
"ur stoopid brock." said ash as he taked a baseball bat and whacked him in the nuts. "take that."  
  
"ow it hurtz"  
  
"misty dun run away i love u!"  
  
"help, teem rocket captured me!"  
  
"prepare for trouble!"  
  
"dont say that stupid speech, pikachu thundershock."  
  
"pikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"  
  
"were blasting off again! DING!"  
  
"ash u saved me i luv u!"  
  
"I love u 2!"  
  
Then they kissed and married and had kids and did it everynight, LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111  
  
THE END!!11211  
  
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...  
  
No comment. 


	4. Shocking Twists Revealed!

(A.N.: Yet another installment of "The Worst Fan Fiction Ever!" But it's not what you think. As we all know, typing like an idiotic 9-year-old can get very old and ridiculous after a while. So, I've decided to do something else! Yes, don't worry, it is stupid.)  
  
It was yet another beautiful sunny day in the Johto League. Then again, of course it was, it always is. Ash, Misty and Brock are now walking down a dirt path, as they've always been doing. They're headed for another city, where Ash can get another badge, as they always have. Hopefully, it won't take another twenty episodes due to ridiculous filler before they finally get there! Then again, has Pokémon ever had a plot?  
  
"Yes!" Ash shouted. "Come on you guys, we need to get to the next gym, so I can get another badge, and then finally compete in the Johto League!"  
  
"Yes, Ash, we know," Brock replied. "You've been saying that at the beginning of each episode for the past three years. We all know what's going to happen. We're going to go along a long dirt path, find somebody in trouble which is almost always a girl (which I don't mind, really)--"  
  
"And THEN," Misty interrupted, "he will say possibly the DUMBEST pick-up line; I pull him away by the ear, and then we help this poor girl with her problems. Then Team Rocket will appear, because quite frankly they don't have anything else to do, try to steal Pikachu, have their stupid balloon explode, and off to the skies they go again!"  
  
"Pika!" Pikachu said.  
  
"Wow, you guys, you've just summed up our entire episode in less than a minute!" Ash then pulled out a few sheets of paper from his backpack and started to read them. "This is extremely different to the scripts I've been reading lately."  
  
"Of course it's different," Brock replied. "It's been the same plotline for the past several years! If you ask me, I'm getting quite tired of it. I mean, come on. Does that stupid little Togepi do anything in Misty's arms other than chirp once every five episodes? And how about Team Rocket. Why don't we just call the freakin' cops so they can go to jail and finally leave us alone?"  
  
"Because then that would take away about 75% of our fan-base," Misty replied.  
  
"Oh...right. Speaking of which, shouldn't they be here, by now?"  
  
"Shut up!" Ash replied. "I'm really in no mood to see Jessie's disgusting wrinkled face, and James prancing around in a tutu. Let's just go to the next gym...wherever the hell it is."  
  
"Ash!" Misty exclaimed. "Watch your mouth! This is airing on television right NOW, you idiot! Think of how many angry parents -- who allow the television to raise their children -- there will be! Imagine all of the bags of angry letters! Now once their child says the word you did, it'll be hell to pay for all of us!"  
  
"Misty!" Brock shouted. "That's not going to help at all!"  
  
"Oh sh--er, I mean, darn! Look, there they are now!"  
  
As the three turned their backs, suddenly, there they were. Angry mothers, each holding a letter all kicked up dust behind them as they all ran together, causing a stampede. All of them were closing in on Ash, Misty and Brock at a rapid pace.  
  
"Why the hell are we sitting here staring; run, you fools, run!" Ash shouted, beginning to run away.  
  
"I certainly don't recall THIS in my contract!" Pikachu shouted.  
  
"Pikachu...you can talk?!" Ash shouted, while continuing to run.  
  
"Aw, damn it, I didn't mean for the crazy plot twist to happen now!" Pikachu took in a deep breath before speaking again. "Basically, I wasn't supposed to say anything until Season Seven, when--"  
  
Unfortunately, Pikachu's shocking plot twist would never be explained. Eventually the angry mothers would catch up to our main characters, and be beaten to death with their fists of fury, dropping off their letters to be mailed to the producer. Well, that's all well and good, except for one thing. They are now all DEAD, so they can't mail your angry letters; and second of all, the producer of the show lives in Japan. And in the Pokémon World, I doubt Japan exists.  
  
Oh well.  
  
Wait a second, how in the hell did those women get into the show anyway? Makes no sense to m--  
  
  
  
THE END! 


	5. Ash, you look blown up, or DEAD!

Ash and his friends Misty and Brock were walking along a long dirt path, when along the way, they noticed an old, deserted building. Growing all over its rusted metallic walls were plenty of vines, with its front door missing.  
  
"Hey guys! This place looks completely creepy! Let's go check it out!" suggested Ash.  
  
"Pika!" responded Pikachu.  
  
"Are you nuts, Ash? That thing could be haunted!" shouted Misty.  
  
"I'd rather not, Ash. There's really no point. I mean, what could be found in there?" commented Brock.  
  
But because Ash was a blatant moron, he ignored his friends, and into the abandoned, creepy building he went. Inside looked like what was once a laboratory; damaged debris of computers were lying all over the ground, and in the center of a room, was a large, long circular device.  
  
"Hmm, what's this?" Ash walked towards it and pushed a great big red button.  
  
Big mistake. That large, long circular device was a bomb, as it exploded, killing everything in its path in a fifteen mile radius. Too bad; it looked like Ash had potential in his Pokémon journey, but his stupidity was his downfall.  
  
THE END! 


	6. Mmm, tainted pie!

Ash, Misty and Brock found themselves in a nice little café in which they decided to stop by and have a quick lunch. Ash ordered nothing but that unhealthy fast food crap; Misty ordered some wraps, and Brock had some stew. All of them looked so good...possibly because of the crappy pay this poor narrator gets, all my family can afford to eat is dog food. Dog food for crying out loud; YOU'D THINK AS NARRATORS WE'D GET PAID MORE THAN THIS!  
  
"Nothing like a quick lunch," said Ash.  
  
"Good prices, too," commented Misty.  
  
"This stew is a little bland. All the salt in the world won't save this for me," disappointingly said Brock, swallowing another spoonful.  
  
"Brock, you've poured so much sald INTO the stew, that's what it's mostly made up of," replied Misty.  
  
"It HAS to be Misty; it's gross! Look at it! What the hell is THIS thing? A pea? Or a chunk of a bouillon cube? Whatever it is, it's nasty!"  
  
"Then give it to your Pokémon," suggested Ash.  
  
"WHAT?!" shouted Brock, standing up obviously upset. "You say I should poison my poor Pokémon with this piece of crap stew?!"  
  
"Brock, calm down; everyone can hear you."  
  
"There's nobody else here!" shouted Brock once again. He was right; the entire café was empty. Neither the waitress nor the cook could be found anywhere. He slowly sat down, rather freaked out. This is damn right creepy, I tell you what.  
  
"Mmm, I think I'll have some pie next." Ash picked up a fork, and started to dig into a piece of cherry pie.  
  
"What? Ash? How the heck did you get that?" asked Misty.  
  
Ash shrugged and kept picking away at the slice of pie. "It was just here."  
  
"Should you be eating foods you just find?"  
  
"Why not? What harm could it--" and with that Ash's face turned completely pale, as he collapsed onto the floor unconscious...or so it seemed at the time.  
  
"ASH!" Misty screamed, diving to her lover's aid. "Ash, Ash, you promised me...you promised me you wouldn't die! Not like this!"  
  
"Oh for the love of GOD, Misty, don't change this into some stupid romance story."  
  
"But, Brock, you don't understand...I LOVE HIM!"  
  
"...What?!"  
  
"Yes..." said Misty between sniffles. "I've loved him ever since I laid eyes on him...ever since that fateful day on Route 1!"  
  
"I thought you were following him because he destroyed your bike."  
  
Misty's face turned completely red after that remark from Brock, and began to shake Ash in a fit of fury. "THIS IS WHY HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO DIE! HE OWES ME MONEY!" Suddenly, her face lit up with a big smile slowly growing. "Of course! I'll rob him!"  
  
Misty began thouroughly searching through Ash's pockets, but was disappointed to find only spare change. "How in the hell has he SURVIVED with only pocket change?!"  
  
"Because of all the food we find from gardens which allows me to cook," replied Brock.  
  
"Oh...right...oh Ash! How could you die? How could you?!"  
  
"You know what, we're acting completely ignorant towards what killed Ash. What was in the pie, anyway?"  
  
Brock leaned closer and took a good look at the pie and its ingredients. He took a quick sniff, then threw his head back, with a strong, powerful odour entering through his sinuses.  
  
"What is it...?"  
  
"Is that rubbing alcohol I smell...? How the hell did Ash not notice that it was in his pie?"  
  
"That's what he gets for eating stuff that just randomly appears."  
  
"Want to go catch a movie?"  
  
"But...what about Ash?"  
  
"Just leave the corpse there; I'm sure it'll still be there in the morning."  
  
"Okay."  
  
THE END!  
  
Okay, you know what? This is getting ridiculously redundant. Ash, Misty and Brock are traveling together, and something stupid happens which allows certain, stupid random events which leads to one or all of the characters suffering terrible, horrible deaths.  
  
Oh, you know what? Screw it; I'm going to add some cool stuff to this story.  
  
The café as we know it just suddenly exploded, leaving a large mushroom cloud which could be seen for kilometers away. The death toll concluded that seventeen blades of grass and a pair of pink puffy pants were decimated in the explosion. You sick bastards! What the hell did that pair of puffy pants ever do to you?!  
  
THE END...FOR REAL THIS TIME! 


	7. Suicidal Specimen

In a secret laboratory far to the west of some extremely popular city, a strange creature lay, in a large glass tube filled with some transparent, gooey liquid. Eww. It had been there for weeks, for this laboratory was funded by some mega-rich super-villain. For, you see, this rich dude has taken all sorts of money from people, and used it to create, copy, and mass produce blatantly inferior products. No, we're not talking about Bill Gates here. We're talking Giovanni, who funds Silph Co.  
  
This super sick, major rich man wanted to use DNA collected from an old Pokémon fossil (yeah, as if there's such a thing as a new fossil.) from what was rumoured to be the most powerful Pokémon in existence (completely ignoring the storyboard's original intentions of a rock-paper-scissors type of thing). With this DNA, he would copy it, and release what is known as a clone of this possibly powerful Pokémon.  
  
But that's when everything went wrong.  
  
Yup.  
  
One of the scientists didn't have his coffee.  
  
"I'm not going to do any more damn work UNTIL I GET MY DOUBLE-DOUBLE!" shouted the super-talented, highly overpaid scientist.  
  
"You're being ridiculous," commented his co-worker, who was extremely hot. I'm glad mini-skirts hadn't been banned in this place. "You only work here for about five hours a day, go home, and sleep until you come here again. How do you need coffee?"  
  
"What was that, woman?!" shouted the scientist, grabbing his co-worker by the collar. "I recall the little 'incident' you had last week when Copperwold stole your danish. Your PMS story didn't fool me for a second!"  
  
"All right, I admit it!" glamourously stated the co-worker, throwing back her hair in a dramatic fashion (does she use Herbal Essences?), and in an ever-so-hot manner released herself from the scientist's tight grip. "But it was a Monday, and I was extremely hungover from the extremely sexy party I held on Sunday night."  
  
"You mean the one that the boss had and forced you to dress up in a Playboy bunny suit."  
  
"Shut up! I had way too much to drink, and I believe I may have shown a little too much cleavage, so, I thought that the only way to cool myself down would be to have my lemon-filled danish. And you know what that jack-ass Copperwold said to me?!"  
  
"Yes. He asked you if it was all right if he could take your favourite flavoured danish, because he knew you liked it so much."  
  
"THEN HE GRABBED IT AND SWALLOWED IT LIKE A PILL!"  
  
"Actually, with a smile, you said, 'Not a problem! It's only one danish!' And he took off happily, and you ended up with his phone number, and he with yours."  
  
"Did you see the look in his eyes!"  
  
"Then I had to spend my entire lunch listening to how hot you are, despite the fact you have so many physical flaws covered with thousands of dollars of plastic surgery, not to mention he had naughty thoughts while eating it."  
  
"Like a demon!"  
  
"The mental picture has driven me insane. That's why I need my coffee--hey, wait a minute, what happened to the specimen?!"  
  
Both workers looked in awe as the glass container containing the specimen had shattered, with the gross liquid all over the place. Not a trace of the specimen could be seen. Looking around the room, one of the windows leading to the outdoors, not to mention a fifty story drop, had also been shattered.  
  
"Oh, shit, did another one commit suicide?!" shouted the sexy co-worker.  
  
"I believe so."  
  
"That's the fifth one!"  
  
"Yup. So, I called Giovanni last time, perhaps you could do it this time?"  
  
"Yeah, but the other ones didn't land and destroy his car," stated the sexy co-worker, looking down below at the wreckage. "It's getting cold in here."  
  
"What am I gonna do? Without my coffee I'm useless!" In a nervous frenzy, the scientist began pulling his hair, kicking over chairs, hurling important documents onto the floor, which hadn't been mopped up yet by the way, then topped it up by hurling himself out the window, with the co-worker looking on in awe.  
  
"Damn it, did he do that so that I could call Giovanni? I hate that man. I hope he gets fired." With that, she walked out of the room to call her boss and tell him the bad news.  
  
THE END! 


	8. I Weep for Humanity

(I don't know why I keep continuing with this series. Honest to God, I don't.)

Because this author knows nothing about the recent generation of Pokémon games, he will continue to compose brief, twisted and predictable stories about Ash, Misty and Brock. As a change of scenery, the three were walking through a dark and gloomy forest. The fact that it was getting darker increased the feeling of darkness and gloominess. It's like the beginning of some sort of old school horror film.

"I hate my life. Somebody please shoot me," commented Ash. "I am so sick of being this author's experiments of torture. First we get trampled by angry parents, blown up in an old, run-down building, poisoned by what I thought was pie--"

"And we're still alive!" interrupted Misty. "If anything, you should be amazed by that fact alone above all else!"

"Can somebody please explain to me why we're in some dark, gloomy forest?" asked Brock.

"Because the author's a sadistic bastard who has far too much time on his hands," responded Ash.

"You seem down, Ash," said Misty. "What's wrong?"

"Are you kidding me?" muttered Ash. "Seriously, Misty, are you joking?"

"No, I'm not. I've never seen you so depressed."

"This is really bad, Ash, I'm worried," added Brock.

"Okay, the fact that you're not disturbed by the author doing whatever he pleases to us really, REALLY bothers me. It's like some form of rape!"

"Don't think so much, Ash; you'll hurt yourself," said Misty, patting Ash on the shoulder.

"I hate you. I hate you all."

As if it was on cue, dramatic violins cued in the background, along with sinister laughter that the three trainers knew all too well.

"God hates me," muttered Ash.

"Prepare for trouble!" shouted Jessie, hanging from a limb from a nearby tree.

"Make it a double-double, I need caffeine," added a voice which displayed a heavy amount of fatigue, as right next to Ash dropped James, twitching and nearly unconscious. "Coff...ee..."

At that moment, the music stopped as Jessie leapt down from the tree branch, exasperated.

"Cripes, James! All I asked for you to do was to stay awake and you can't even do that!"

"What happened to HIM?" asked Brock.

"Hey, I have a completely fantastic idea!" shouted Ash. "While they're busy being distracted by James' obvious lack of energy, why don't WE take a DETOUR around these jack-asses and lose them!"

"We can't leave them yet, Ash. We have to send them into the sky or else they'll never leave us alone for the rest of the episode," added Brock.

"Who cares! The author is probably going to have some sort of nuclear weapon drop on us any second, cause decades of nuclear winter, and have the rays of the burning hot sun fry the planet when everything clears up! Can we just go before they recover!"

"This author is seriously lacking in new ideas," added Misty. "He has the main character, possibly one of the stupidest ever in existence, acting like an emo, sarcastic university student."

"We're back!" shouted Jessie, finally managing to pull James to his feet. "Now, to steal your Pikachu! We have a fool-proof plan this time! Although I always wondered why our other plans never worked initially."

"Because you're retards," replied Ash.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Jessie, surprised at such a blunt remark.

"I said you're retards, you filthy old hag!"

Oh dear. Ash really had to go there, didn't he? Jessie charged him like a rabid bull (although she resembles everything that has gone wrong with humanity, physically. Scientists who are trying to prove the evolution theory true, here's a prime living example). Because the author is very lazy and doesn't want to go into deep description of what's happening, everyone in the scene gathered together and started hurling fists and legs at one another. So much commotion caused a large cloud of dust, in a cartoony fashion, to engulf those involved in the scrap.

Ladies and gentlemen, violence DOES solve problems. Why? Because all of those involved have beaten themselves unconscious. I'm sure once they've awoken from their comas, they'll probably laugh it off and forget all about it, although I'm sure it'll be because of temporary amnesia.

See, kids? If you beat yourself senseless, you'll forget everything that happened and won't hold a grudge towards your wrongdoer. The moral of the story? Drop the gloves.

Another moral of the story? Keep authors with too much time on their hands away from writing fan fiction. Particularly a continuous series of bad fan fiction ideas. Because then he'll feel obligated to post a new chapter once in a while just to surprise and disgust readers everywhere.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the author that represents everything wrong in the world today. Sit back, crack open a beer (or pour yourself a martini, whatever floats your boat) and watch humanity go down the road to destruction! Because the world's going to ruins, and I'm driving the bus.

Who's "I'm" in that last sentence? The narrator, or the author? I'll guess you'll have to tune in next time to find out! If there will be a next time, that is!

DUN DUN DUN!

Okay, I'm done for real, this time.

THE END! 


End file.
